Fight the Fear of Fighting: Six Keys to Resolving Your Conflicts Like a Pro
Posted on August 5, 2013 by Ted Gerber
While some business people relish a good fight, most of us see conflict as something to be avoided. It costs time and money, frays nerves and tempers, and causes stress in already too-anxious times. In the worst cases, business skirmishes can escalate into virtual wars where nobody wins. So, what are the keys to success in resolving your own conflicts?
1. Decide to Resolve
The first key is simply deciding that you want to resolve the conflict. This sounds obvious, but many people unconsciously choose to keep conflicts alive. Conflict can be a source of power, attention, or identity. Before you can resolve a conflict, you have to genuinely want it resolved — and be willing to give up whatever you're getting from keeping it going.
2. Separate the People from the Problem
One of the most important principles in conflict resolution is to separate the people from the problem. Attack the problem, not the person. When you focus on the issue rather than the individual, you create space for collaboration rather than defensiveness. This doesn't mean ignoring the emotional dimension — it means not letting it dominate.
3. Focus on Interests, Not Positions
Positions are what people say they want. Interests are why they want it. Most conflicts get stuck because both parties argue over positions. The breakthrough comes when you dig beneath the surface to understand the underlying interests — the needs, fears, and motivations driving each side. When you understand interests, creative solutions become possible.
4. Create Options for Mutual Gain
Once you understand each other's interests, brainstorm options that could satisfy both parties. Don't evaluate options as you generate them — just get them on the table. The goal is to expand the pie before you divide it. Many conflicts that seem zero-sum actually have solutions that work for everyone, once people stop fighting over fixed positions.
5. Use Objective Criteria
When you can't agree on a solution, try to agree on a fair process or objective standard for deciding. Market value, expert opinion, industry norms, or legal precedent can all serve as neutral criteria. Using objective standards removes the battle of wills and replaces it with a principled negotiation. Both parties can feel they got a fair deal even if they didn't get everything they wanted.
6. Know Your BATNA
BATNA stands for Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement. Before entering any conflict resolution process, know what you'll do if you can't reach an agreement. Your BATNA is your source of power — the better your alternative, the more leverage you have. But knowing your BATNA also helps you recognize when a negotiated agreement is better than walking away, which prevents you from letting ego drive you to a worse outcome.